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Control



Our state’s stay-at-home order, that was put in place back in mid-March, will expire on Friday. In essence, the governor has extended it, with some staggered loosening to begin. I both understand why, but also feel some tugs of frustration, wanting this to all be over. I’m certainly thankful our Republican governor doesn’t subscribe to the “Party of Stupid” mentality so many others, especially in the south, proclaim as the American way.
I think it’s the loss of control over what we’re able to do that hit so many people so hard. There have been articles in The New Yorker and podcasts that have talked about how China was able to so quickly, after initial denials, get the virus under control (even if their published numbers may never be accurate). I can’t imagine Americans willingly doing what their citizens did to stop the spread; we are clearly not sacrificers.
Here in Ohio, Governor DeWine first announced this past Monday that when retail operations opened back up in a few weeks that both employees and customers would be required to wear masks. It seemed to make sense to me for the safety of yourself and others, but the next day he walked it back to just suggesting wearing masks. He stated that he had heard from people of how “offensive” they felt wearing a mask was. I’m offended that our country stuck its head in the sand rather than responding sooner, causing countless more deaths than it would have otherwise. Do we really have to be number 1 in everything?
I’m going through my own control issues, finally deciding to go back to getting other medical input on my skin condition. The primary care doctor on our virtual appointment was honest enough to admit that he didn’t have a clue, but recommended consulting with an allergist, which is not available at the moment, as well as getting a second opinion from another dermatologist, which was feasible. Nervously donning my mask, getting my temperature taken, and hoping I didn’t catch the virus during the in-person appointment, I ended up having my usual experience with doctors – leaving with both of us being annoyed with each other. I’m someone who does research, which I’ve found is not viewed favorably by doctors, and have lots of questions, which in our managed care system (which has been that way since before Obamacare) causes back ups in the schedules, making nurses, medical assistants, and other patients aggravated.
I immediately went into what could have caused this condition, rattling off things that had gone on last year, and was immediately shut down by the doctor, telling me that that was all just misappropriation. Basically I was told that rosacea could come out of nowhere and become extreme quickly and for no reason. That I can’t accept. For me it’s easier to blame myself for something that I did or didn’t do than for some disease to just happen to me. If it can just happen for no reason then I don’t know how to stop it, or keep it from coming back if it does flare down, and that makes me crazy.
Everything else going on in the world just exacerbates my need for control. Even when our state completely opens up, I know I won’t feel comfortable going back to the gym or flying on packed airplanes. Without a vaccine or efficient treatment, I’d be taking my life in my hands even more than I do when I go to the grocery stores. So much already feels out of my control that I need to hold on to something.
As for films, I’m still taking part in the online Experimental Film class. This past Sunday we had to submit a one-minute one-shot film, with no editing, no text (unless in the shot itself), and no titles and credits. I’m still struck by the eeriness of what I see on my walks; perhaps more than with some of the films I’m supposed to react to. With the weather improving there are more people out, especially near the river. There’s so little traffic that even with more people, it feels empty and unsettling most days. Some construction is still surprisingly going on, and sadly without social distancing from what I’ve observed. The noise of these trucks seems so much louder and present without the buffers of normal weekday traffic. I’m not sure I’ll ever get used to the new normal.
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